Max Banner

People come up to me at restaurants all the time and say, “Would you like to order something?” That’s when I sign the menu for them. They’re too shy to ask outright for an autograph. But one time I was at a restaurant and I’d already signed the menu for the guy. Then he wants me to sign the credit card slip too! I says, “What, are you one of those jerks who sells my autographs on the computer?” And I walked right out of there. Nobody makes a monkey out of Max.

Which brings me to my point: there’s this guy in my parking lot a lot. It’s kind of weird. I see him at least once a month. It’s like he spends all his free time there. Sometimes he’s getting out of his car. Other times he’s walking over to the car. He might be a car thief, one of those guys who steals everything you’ve got while you’re in the john.

Here’s another thing. He calls everybody “neighbor.” That’s kind of weird. Who does this guy think he is? I called the super once to ask about him and he said don’t worry about it, that guy’s pretty nice and he always pays his rent on time. So maybe the super’s in on the job, too. And he’s got the master key!

One day I confronted the super about his friend the car thief. He was walking down the hall and he tipped his hat to me so I took it and ran inside my apartment and locked the door. He knocked on the door and asked for his hat back and I said, “I’ll just hang onto this to make sure you don’t steal everything I own, Mister” and he went away. I thought he was gonna go get a gun.

So then the weirdest part is my car got stolen! But not really, it got towed away. They said I parked it in the middle of the street and so they had to move it. But I didn’t see no sign that said “No parking” or anything. So the towing company was in on the whole deal too. I made my friend Bill go get the car for me, I had to keep an eye on my stuff.

So if you’re the car thief guy, or my super, or the jerk at the towing company, just get this: I’ve figured out your little game, and you’re not gonna catch me asleep at the switch, no sir. You just go rob somebody else, “neighbor,” or you’ll regret it.

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