The Library of Congress Can Thank Me Anytime: My 25 Greatest Tweets

In Blog by Brady Carlson0 Comments

Alan Parsons

Let’s turn our attention now to Twitter, the overlooked internet lunch-tracking service, and the news that the Library of Congress will archive every post on Twitter. This might unnerve people who’ve spent their free time typing things like “WHY DIDNT SOMEONE TELL ME GILMORE GIRLS WAS ON,” but those of us who pay a bit more attention to posterity are comforted to know that our witty takes on the events of the day will be available to historians and anthropologists. We’ll look so much smarter in the future!

The timing of this announcement couldn’t be more perfect for me, as I just posted by 500th tweet last week. And while I’m not quite batting 1.000 in Tweet-citement, I’ve had a lot more hits than misses. As such, I present to you 25 of my finest Twitter moments. Remember, this isn’t just gibberish, it’s the historical record.

1) Remember: Rickrolling could have been worse. Imagine “Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam-rolling” – Oct 3, 2008

2) Thought of dumb joke while asleep: Lamont Cranston starts working late afternoons-only and is dubbed “The 5 o’clock Shadow” – Oct 26, 2008

3) So much for GMail ads being tailored to individuals – “Been Injured By Transvaginal Mesh?” Um, no – Mar 29, 2009

4) I’m not indulging “McG” and his nickname anymore. From now on only accomplished people are allowed one-word names, like Yoda, or Morrissey – May 21, 2009

5) Hoping Jon & Kate Plus 8 gets cancelled so there’s an opening for my show idea, “Ward Cleaver After Hours” – Jun 6, 2009

6) Attn Peter Gabriel: as a matter of fact, I _didn’t_ know I had to shock the monkey. Thanks for the heads-up! – Jun 20, 2009

7) Wang Chung’s critical mistake was not choosing a specific night on which everyone would Wang Chung. Things might have been so different! – Jul 3, 2009

8) This site needs better shorthand. I don’t often need hashtags, but I do need a good abbreviation for “unprompted, extended crazy laughing” – Jul 9, 2009

9) Considering a new revenue stream: offering my mind for rent to any God or government. (Don’t tell Neil Peart.) – Aug 7, 2009

10) Somebody at the DMV isn’t an Urban Dictionary reader, judging from the “BCH-PLZ” license plate I just saw – Sep 11, 2009

11) From this point forward, the little bit of Patrick Swayze in each of us must fight the little bit of Ben Gazzara that lives next to us. – Sep 14, 2009

12) I know I can make perfect omelets with new equipment- and threats of military force (sanctions don’t work with eggs) – Oct 4, 2009

13) Someday I’m going to do something really average and write EPIC C PLUS – Oct 21, 2009

14) Just realized every single one of my tweets would make a great t-shirt… except for this one. Crap. – Nov 12, 2009

15) Chad Ochocinco started the trend, I’m making it legit. From now on, think of me as BCarlson Tres Tres – Nov 15, 2009

16) Attention Blue Oyster Cult: HOW do we avoid fearing the reaper? Your goal is admirable, but we could use some practical tips. – Nov 24, 2009

17) Video game idea: “Escape from Playplace” – you’re Grimace and renegade Fryguys try to throw you into the ball tank against your will – Dec 13, 2009

18) Next year we should all disconnect from the power grid and fuel our homes BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL! – Dec 22, 2009

19) Despite the Vikings’ troubles, I still stand behind the “repeatedly drop the ball” offensive strategy – Jan 24, 2010

20) Re: the “Nothing’s gonna change my love for you” guy – is that even if she changes into a radioactive minotaur that’s 80 feet tall? – Feb 2, 2010

21) Maybe “Alan Parsons Project” is not actually a project by Alan Parsons, but a stage direction intended to get him to speak up? – Feb 9, 2010

22) Multiple choice: skiing while on fire is: a) safe b) unsafe c) free with order of large fries d) part of this balanced breakfast – Feb 17, 2010

23) We need a reality show about a sprawling family of hexadecimal mathematicians. We’ll call it “Sue and Jeff Plus F” – Mar 3, 2010

24) This little light of mine, I’m gonna bundle it with other little lights and put it on the little light-backed securities market – Apr 3, 2010

25) I’ve been misreading Carl Jung. “the unlived life of the parent” is the strongest influence on the child; I thought it was “sinus pain” – Apr 14, 2010

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