Max Banner

I was in my garage the other day and I found a vacuum I invented. You put it on your dentists and it can tell if he’s a real dentist or just a fake. I invented it in 1982, before everything was on computers. Nowadays you just put your dentist into the computer and the computer tells you if the dentist is real. But back then there was no way to tell, so I invented the vacuum to do it.

I sent a drawing of the vacuum to the patent people in Washington and they wrote back, “You have to fill out the form.” But I wrote ’em back, “There’s no form for a vacuum like this one, quit trying to steal my identity.” They quit bothering me after that.

I did a TV commercial for the vacuum next, which was pretty good. I had a camera follow me around to dentists offices in Kansas, and I tried the vacuum out on these guys. I found four fake dentists in one day! They tried to press charges for breaking and entering and everything, but I threatened to show my vacuum’s results in court, and they backed down.

I even got to show the vacuum on a radio talk show, but it was the radio so you couldn’t see what I was doing. I turned it on and it got loud and the talk show people said the segment wasn’t “feasible.” That was fine as long as the vacuum worked.

When I found the vacuum again, it worked just fine. I know cause I tried it out on my dentist. He really is a dentist it turns out. And that’s good cause my filling came loose again. Maybe I can invent a vacuum to fix the filling for when my dentist’s on vacation. They could get the computer to do it, but it’d be good to have a vacuum around, just in case.

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