The War on Twist Ties

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Twist ties

Did you know that one out of every three twist ties thinks it’s a necktie? That’s why so many loaves of bread show up at business luncheons; the twist ties act like they’re business wear and the breads get confused. Then the caterers at the luncheons get confused, because they already brought bread and where did all these other loaves come from.

Neckties aren’t confused, but they are pretty upset because they worked hard to get where they are and they don’t want twist ties coming in and confusing everybody. The problem is, they started a campaign to get rid of twist ties altogether. Which is fine for them, but how are we supposed to close up garbage bags and wrap up cords? Neckties don’t think about the big picture.

And they’ve got an attitude, too. At least one of them does. His name is Doug, and when I told him that a war on twist ties was as stupid as fighting a real ground war without nannies as bomber pilots, he started screaming and challenged me to a fistfight. Neckties don’t have fists, though – again, they miss a lot of things. I ended up choking the guy who was wearing Doug – he’s one of the professors in my college.

The twist ties aren’t taking this lying down, though. They’re trying to set up some back-channel negotiations for peace talks, but if that doesn’t work they’ve hired a big public relations firm to run attack ads against the neckties. And as a last resort: they’ll send more twist ties to take over the necktie racks at clothing stores. War is ugly.

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