The Weighting Is The Hardest Part

State’s worst eating habits lead to chubbiness

A major blow was handed to our town’s sense of well-being this week when a state health study revealed that Green Lakers had the highest rate of obesity in the entire state. The town’s girth, as it turns out, is such that an average Green Lake resident is too large to fit into any pair of regular size jeans made at the local Levelli Jeans factory. “Heh heh, this town’s people are too big for their own britches! What a bunch of fatsos!” said local resident Yazzo Kent, in between giant bites of his tuna sandwich.

Scientists have long known that being overweight leads to many problems such as hypertension, diabetes and getting laughed at by friends and coworkers who are slightly less chubby.

While obesity is often caused by hereditary factors that diet and exercise can’t cure, the report concluded that Green Lake’s collective weight problem is due to only one factor: poor eating habits.

“I just can’t believe it,” said Marie von Dusen, a lifelong Green Laker. “How anyone could call me fat is beyond me. Like the damn remote control that I can’t reach anymore.”

Doctors and nutritionists, who have long warned Green Lake citizens to curb their gorging habits, hope that this will be a wake-up call for a town that nearly changed its name to Syrupville. “I love bacon,” says Dr. Tyrone Hayes of the West End Clinic. “My research tells me that’s why I can’t fit through the clinic doors anymore. I haven’t been to my own house in fifteen years.”

With the health of the town at stake, science has demanded solutions to the obesity crisis, while citizens have demanded easy answers. One of the latter is the new “Defensive Dining” program by Dr. Beth Watkins of Appleton State University Hospital. “The plan is simple,” Watkins explains. “When food talks to you, tell it you’re not interested. When the food begs you to hunker down and eat it, you change the subject.” Watkins also advocates the use of a “designated diner,” an extremely unhealthy person who will go out to dinner with a group and eat their entrees for them. “That way, only one person’s in danger. Everybody else is fine.”

A less considerate approach was proposed by Big Dog’s Armadillo Eatery (motto: “Fat Grams? Hell, We Got Fat KILO-grams!”). Their new “Get It Over With” advertising campaign encourages unhealthy eaters to give in to their urges and dig in. “Let’s be realistic here. These fatsos don’t have a hope in hell of ever slimming down,” says Big Dog’s CEO, Bill Mathews. “Why should they spend all their time feeling guilty and eating salads? What kind of life is that? I say, eat our 48-ounce Armadillo burgers and die happy.”

That sentiment is shared by many in Green Lake, even with their shortness of breath and increasing immobility. Says 340-pound Bernie Melvin, “Hey man, I’m proud of our fatness. Our genes didn’t get us any of this, we did it ourselves! That’s a huge effort!”

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