Stateâ€™s worst eating habits lead to chubbiness
A major blow was handed to our townâ€™s sense of well-being this week when a state health study revealed that Green Lakers had the highest rate of obesity in the entire state. The townâ€™s girth, as it turns out, is such that an average Green Lake resident is too large to fit into any pair of regular size jeans made at the local Levelli Jeans factory. â€œHeh heh, this townâ€™s people are too big for their own britches! What a bunch of fatsos!â€ said local resident Yazzo Kent, in between giant bites of his tuna sandwich.
Scientists have long known that being overweight leads to many problems such as hypertension, diabetes and getting laughed at by friends and coworkers who are slightly less chubby.
While obesity is often caused by hereditary factors that diet and exercise canâ€™t cure, the report concluded that Green Lakeâ€™s collective weight problem is due to only one factor: poor eating habits.
â€œI just canâ€™t believe it,â€ said Marie von Dusen, a lifelong Green Laker. â€œHow anyone could call me fat is beyond me. Like the damn remote control that I canâ€™t reach anymore.â€
Doctors and nutritionists, who have long warned Green Lake citizens to curb their gorging habits, hope that this will be a wake-up call for a town that nearly changed its name to Syrupville. â€œI love bacon,â€ says Dr. Tyrone Hayes of the West End Clinic. â€œMy research tells me thatâ€™s why I canâ€™t fit through the clinic doors anymore. I havenâ€™t been to my own house in fifteen years.â€
With the health of the town at stake, science has demanded solutions to the obesity crisis, while citizens have demanded easy answers. One of the latter is the new â€œDefensive Diningâ€ program by Dr. Beth Watkins of Appleton State University Hospital. â€œThe plan is simple,â€ Watkins explains. â€œWhen food talks to you, tell it youâ€™re not interested. When the food begs you to hunker down and eat it, you change the subject.â€ Watkins also advocates the use of a â€œdesignated diner,â€ an extremely unhealthy person who will go out to dinner with a group and eat their entrees for them. â€œThat way, only one personâ€™s in danger. Everybody else is fine.â€
A less considerate approach was proposed by Big Dogâ€™s Armadillo Eatery (motto: â€œFat Grams? Hell, We Got Fat KILO-grams!â€). Their new â€œGet It Over Withâ€ advertising campaign encourages unhealthy eaters to give in to their urges and dig in. â€œLetâ€™s be realistic here. These fatsos donâ€™t have a hope in hell of ever slimming down,â€ says Big Dogâ€™s CEO, Bill Mathews. â€œWhy should they spend all their time feeling guilty and eating salads? What kind of life is that? I say, eat our 48-ounce Armadillo burgers and die happy.â€
That sentiment is shared by many in Green Lake, even with their shortness of breath and increasing immobility. Says 340-pound Bernie Melvin, â€œHey man, Iâ€™m proud of our fatness. Our genes didnâ€™t get us any of this, we did it ourselves! Thatâ€™s a huge effort!â€