It played out just like Flavor Flav warned about in the song “911 Is a Joke”:

Now I dialed 911 a long time ago
Don’t you see how late they’re reactin’
They only come and they come when they wanna

There was just a tiny difference between the music and real life: in the Public Enemy track, Flav’s 911 needs were legit; as for this Florida fellow, um…

Police said [Jarvis] Sutton, 34, of St. Petersburg, called 911 approximately 80 times on Sunday. “The defendant admitted to calling 911 because he ‘wanted Kool-Aid, burgers and weed to be delivered to him,’ ” an officer wrote in an affidavit.

I guess we can be happy that he was calling for food and not because he thought his job was “to harass you b_____s.” But still, a plan to call 911 over and over to get hold of some Kool-Aid doesn’t seem well thought out. I mean, if it’s Kool-Aid you need, you really ought to call Kool-Aid Man. Then again, Kool-Aid Man isn’t a big fan of crime:

Two final tips: first, don’t resort to desperate measures if said Kool-Aid does not materialize:

[Sutton] was booked into the Pinellas County Jail. On the way there, he started chewing foam attached to the metal caging in the back of the police cruiser, an officer wrote.

And second, if anyone asks about why on Earth you tried ordering weed and Kool-Aid from the phone service meant for emergency response, just say two words:

I'm Smooth

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