Max Banner

There was this guy in 1737 who said that if they ever invented phones, there shouldn’t be phone books. So they passed a law and it was against the law to print phone books. Which I thought was pretty selfish, until I realized that people had been spreading disease through the phone books. Millions of people were dying because there would be phone books when phones were finally invented. Think of the Spanish Civil War. I mean, yeah.

So there was a war over phones and, hold on, cause I always get this part wrong. The Nazis were trying to get phones cause Albert Einstein predicted them and so they convinced FDR not to have phones until they were tested. And so the Spanish got involved. Ernest Hemingway was there, he kept ordering steaks until the bar ran out and then he tried to trash the place but his heartburn kept acting up. I was gonna call the ambulance, but I remembered that he was the ambulance driver so I had to go get the ambulance myself. I ran all the way down there and then I had to get a drink of water but to get the water I had to go all the way back to the bar. Man was I thirsty. I think that’s why Hemingway killed himself later on, cause of the heartburn. I don’t think it was my fault though, cause you don’t hear me complaining, no sir.

The best part was the Navajo guys that Roosevelt hired to help out. Secretly they all moved to Berlin and got jobs with the phone company there. Then they had the big phone book that even has the unlisted numbers in it, and their job was to call all the Nazi guys in the middle of the night and ask them rude questions about their wives and daughters. It was so fun. I didn’t get to do that during the war but every year on V-E Day I make an obscene phone call to someone with a German-sounding name. I say something about their wife and they go “Who the hell is this?” and I go “Don’t you know, there’s a war on?” and I laugh really loud. Once it was my super and I had to change my own lightbulbs for a year.

Germany didn’t have phonebooks for a long time after that because they were afraid that their leaders’ wives would get dirty phone calls. So they started electing women, cause they didn’t have wives back then and they didn’t have to worry about it. So it was phone books that helped women out the most.

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