New stoplights will direct traffic, ridicule people

Attempting to bring a little style to a town Mr. Blackwell once called “the municipal equivalent of Marty Feldman,” Green Lake officials have purchased thirteen new traffic lights at strategic intersections that will chastise unattractive drivers and pedestrians into fixing themselves up.

“People are getting too busy to worry about style,” said traffic commissioner Denny Waybert, who purchased the stoplights through a grant issued by the state’s “Do Something About The Uglies” campaign. “Instead of just giving direction on when to go, when to stop, when to turn left, our stoplights will give people directions on how to look their best.”

Waybert gave a public demonstration of the stoplights last week in the parking lot at Town Hall. Several journalists who volunteered to test the lights were told “stop – and comb your hair,” “turn left – and don’t wear lime green, plaid and polka dots together” and “don’t walk – your fly is open and your breath is really bad. Never leave the house again.”

“The best part,” Waybert said, “is if it gives you advice, you have to take it, or it won’t give you a green light if you come back to that intersection.”

Appleton inventor Dr. Diane Robinutsen created the new stoplights, in the aftermath of a bizarre, failed experiment to add traffic lights to fashion show runways. “I’d designed a new runway with crosswalks, traffic signals and orange cones,” said Robinutsen, who claims she was the victim of a hit-and-run collision at age 20, during a leather pants exhibition in Montreal. “I don’t think people realize how dangerous it is up there, models running all over, no seatbelts or protective clothing… but the snobs in the fashion community didn’t care about safety, so instead of bringing safety to fashion, I decided to bring fashion to safety.”

Robinutsen was on hand for the unveiling of the stoplights, as was assistant designer Ted Drainmower. “Green Lake is the first town to fall for- er, invest in the future of stoplight technology,” he said, before racing to his car clutching a briefcase full of money.

“Three cheers for the Doublemint Twins, man are they hot,” added Mayor W. Philip Evans.

The new stoplights are not without their critics. “This town needs less angry stoplights and more useful stop signs!“ said Derek Riddles, President of the Stop Signs Are Good Enough Coalition, while Dr. Billy Watson of Dumpty Restoration Dynamics, Ltd., warned that the lights couldn’t be verified as safe without further testing. “Dr. Robinutsen’s own lab notes indicate that a stoplight exploded when a carful of “goth” teens drove by,” Watson said. “Is that the message we want to send our children, that they should be attacked by a stoplight if they dress up like a freak and parade around town? Well, actually, yeah, it is. Never mind.”

The stoplights will be installed within the next month. Town officials encourage drivers to avoid wearing flip-flops, low-hanging jeans and/or leg warmers on Main, 3rd and West Streets while construction is underway.

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