You May Now Kiss The Trophy Bride

Green Lake to offer discounts for sham weddings

Have you ever dreamed of having a celebrity wedding, with a celebrity guest list a mile long, designer dresses, and a reception with steaks as big as Rush Limbaugh? No? Oh, you’re not famous. Well, did you ever imagine yourself sneaking into a celebrity wedding, with Elton John shooting you dirty looks from a few rows ahead?

Not your style either? All right, fine. When you’re graying and getting a little chubbier, wouldn’t it be fun to dump your graying, chubby wife for a bright red Jaguar and a ditsy twenty-something named Niki? NOW we’re talking. Regardless of the kind of dream sham wedding you’d like, the hospitable folks in Green Lake want to welcome you to their town- and they insist that it’s not a ploy to get you into therapy.

“The sham wedding industry is in its infancy, and we want Green Lake to be the doctor that slowly pulls its head out of the womb and spanks its naked rear end,” said Lou Horse Bringer, president of the Green Lake Chamber of Commerce. Horse Bringer made his comments at a press conference announcing a recent decision by county officials to give discounts to those seeking licenses for sham weddings.

The Chamber of Commerce had been fighting for license discounts for several months, after internal research uncovered Green Lake’s non-sham wedding-friendly reputation. “Washed-up Stars magazine ranked us below New York City, Las Vegas and Branson, Missouri as a place to have a fifth wedding,” Horse Bringer said. “Those of us who live in Green Lake know that this is a great place to have any number of weddings- first, fourth, whatever- and that’s why we’re so happy that these discounts are now in place. We’re also a great place to get divorced, as my soon to be ex-wife has just taught me. By the way, have you reporters met my new main squeeze, Sasha?”

A new fee schedule published by the county records office shows that while licenses for traditional “love” and arranged marriages will still cost $810, sham weddings will be much cheaper, “depending on the type of sham being perpetrated, of course,” said registrar Yao Zongzhu. “Celebrities getting married as a publicity stunt will only need a hundred bucks for a marriage license, a hundred twenty-five for one that won’t expire in five years. A mid-life crisis trophy marriage only costs two hundred bucks now, while it’ll be three hundred to marry someone to stop them from being deported, or to marry a rich old guy for his money.” Licenses for gay weddings, sham or not, will cost ten dollars. “They haven’t legalized gay marriage in this state yet, so we’re really making ten bucks for an invalid license,” Zongzhu said. “We figure they have enough problems getting married without us trying to rip them off.” On the other hand, celebrities who sham marry to quell rumors about alleged bizarre sexual quirks will have to pay full price if they reveal any of their idiosyncrasies.

The county has also cleared much red tape, “to make the process of sham weddings more efficient,” said Horse Bringer. Couples can now eschew premarital counseling in favor of renting “Titanic,” and a new delivery service promises to bring a finished sham marriage license to any local address within thirty minutes or the couple will receive a free small pizza. For celebrities looking for a quick sham wedding with little to no courtship, Match-the-Has-Been.com will link up celebrities according to criteria such as to which awards shows they are likely to be invited and how many months they are looking to be married.

Economists are predicting a big boom, as sham couples take advantage of the discounted fees. “It’s all economics, you dimwit. Don’t you know anything?” explained the combative Dr. Eglantine Warshfield of Jansen Financial. “With the discounts in place, celebrities will have their sham weddings here. And that means, you horsefaced prat, that when they tie the knot, they’ll be buying a Green Lake marriage license. When they have their reception, it’ll be held at a Green Lake restaurant. They’ll stay in a honeymoon suite at a Green Lake hotel. And they may even spend some dough at a Green Lake erotic artifact store. Which I’m sure is fine with you, pervert!”

As Warshfield predicted, local hospitality industries are definitely preparing for an influx of wedding reservations. The Watering Hole bar finally hired a cook who can operate their deep-frying machine, which means the end of their infamous car-hood warmed onion rings. Local fast food chain Big Dog’s Armadillo Eatery, which offers catering services for bachelor parties and keggers, is offering a new “Captain Armadillo’s Big Hunk of Wedding Reception Fiesta Menu” consisting of 32 barbecued riblets, lard biscuits with chicken-fried butter gravy and an allegedly edible fried photograph for every table. For an additional thousand dollars, couples can have a supporting cast member of “My Two Dads” or “The Hogan Family” give the toast. (Several of the actors have offered themselves up for marriage for an additional fee.) Even the hapless Green Lake Athletics baseball team, coming off a record 44-game losing streak, is getting into the act. Not only will the team provide vendors to walk the aisles selling hot dogs, peanuts and beer during a sham wedding service, but they also offer celebrities a paid gig singing the national anthem before a game of their choice, while non-celebrities will receive a two to four year contract for an infield or middle relief position.

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