Max Banner

Ever thought about taking all your money and fleeing to the open ocean in a small boat? No? Are you scared or something? It’s a little known fact but thousands of people do this every year. They don’t always know it before they go though. They sign up for a cruise line and then all of a sudden they’re a thousand miles from Guam and where did all the goldfish crackers go.

Speaking of cruise lines, if you’re going to take one make sure there aren’t going to be any carnivorous owls on the boat. I read this article once about a guy who was either an incompetent wildlife rehab specialist or a naive vacationer traveling to the Caribbean, and he got his nose eaten off by an ungrateful owl who didn’t appreciate either his wilderness first aid or his cheerful post-retirement worldview. It was a confusing article, I’ll say that much.

Now, I’m not trying to say that everyone who sets out on one of these treks comes back a noseless failure. Far from it. One guy I knew named Brad took everything he owned and put it on a boat, which sank to the bottom of Lake Superior. Now how is that a success? Because it sank on the Canadian side of the ocean and maritime law says that if your boat sinks in Canadian waters Gordon Lightfoot has to write a song about it. So now you can pick up “The Ballad of Brad” at your local music store. He hasn’t had to go out looking for cans once since then.

Interestingly, my financial advisor took all his stuff and went out to sea with it, and I only found out because I read some letter from a guy named Third Notice and I wanted him to throw it at one of his other clients, only he’d already left. How am I supposed to consult my financial advisor if he’s on a boat somewhere with all his stuff? I had to write Third Notice back and say “Consulting with my advisor is out of the question, suggest something else.”


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