You’re The Inspiration

Punkers in love

Ladies and gentlemen…. the greatest song ever made:

I don’t care what anyone says, but the band Chicago kicks some serious ass… when they had Peter Cetera.

And that may, in fact, be the greatest quote ever made too: “when they had Peter Cetera” may be second only to “the United States still has not orbited a chimp” as a great way to end a sentence. But anyway.

Maybe M-Town is able to get sex or “a cooked meal involving a rack of delicious ribs” upon playing “You’re The Inspiration” for his “wives and girlfriend” – and to each his own, of course, but truly this video is one of the most hideous crimes ever committed against the eyeballs of VH1 fans.

Hey little sister, who's the scuzzy one?
Hey little sister, who’s the scuzzy one?

We begin our foray into the world of adult-contempo love with an unlikely and unholy union: a Billy Idol looking dude romances (forgive me) a really bloated-looking would-be Madonna. No one can explain this – maybe Peter Cetera is a fan of The Young Ones? Love is best defined as two unwashed-looking teens with little prospect for happy lives? All the plausible stock footage was already spoken for? – but there it is. And their love is buoyed by Peter Cetera and what looks like seven hundred keyboard players, who pretend to jam out on this sissiest of power ballads.

Week-old stains and unusually heavy hair growth can't stop our love.Week-old stains and unusually heavy hair growth can’t stop our love.

And yet this is the point where the video starts to get weirder. We’re abruptly introduced to another couple – a New Wave Markie Post and, somehow, an uglier version of Southside Johnny (the Asbury Jukes, of course, have already joined Peter Cetera’s legion of keyboard players.) They kiss and frolic for about a third of a second, and then they’re gone, forever. And then there’s another couple – and eww, it’s Princess Diana kissing the Elliot guy from Law and Order: SVU!

It's agreed. Neither Charles nor Detective Benson will ever find out about us
It’s agreed. Neither Charles nor Detective Benson will ever find out about us.

AND THEN THERE’S A LITTLE BOY PLAYING A HORN AND HE’S STARING AT A LITTLE GIRL, WHO THE CRAP ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHERE ARE THEIR PARENTS

I want a man who can be emotionally honest with me, and knows how to use buttons.
I want a man who can be emotionally honest with me, and knows how to use buttons.

At this point nothing can redeem this video, or the people who spawned it. Which is, of course, why no one is surprised that they next show a woman leaving her boyfriend – remember, this is a love song! Worse, his shirt is open to the waist! I’m pretty sure this video was the inspiration for all of those Menthos commercials.

Two minutes into the song, I’m wishing burglars would break into my house and cut my head off – but then I catch a glimpse of this:

City council to reconsider curbside recycling program? F__k yeah!!!
City council to reconsider curbside recycling program? F__k yeah!!!

That dude on the right is reading the paper in the middle of the video! I’ve heard of phoning in a performance, but the guy is phoning in lip-synch. How can anyone who’s seen this video expect to get sex by showing it to someone else?

You inspire me... to commit violent acts against you!
You inspire me… to commit violent acts against you!

Another couple shows up, only this one has kids. Kids who they ignore while taking naps and/or talking on the phone. Kids who subsequently act out their feelings of abandonment by hitting Dad on top of the head. Dad’s reaction is to look sort of up and then chew gum. Based on a working script by Crispin Glover. I do not, under any circumstances, recommend watching this video. No rack of delicious ribs could be succulent enough to take the pain away.

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