It may be Easter Sunday on the calendar, but it’s time for crime in my mind. Maybe it’s the near-constant doses of crime shows I watch on the weekend now, from Dragnet to Dateline NBC. Or maybe it’s the six police cars I saw on my street yesterday, investigating some kind of trouble that I’m not sure I want to know about in detail. Permit me to mix my metaphors as I draw an odd but important conclusion: if I could hire Keith Morrison to be the Fraulein Maria of my household, I’d do it. Then he could tell me tales of the Murder at Onion Soup Junction as we turn our draperies into suits for forensic lab techs. But until then, we’ll just recap crime-related stories on Easter.

Here’s one! Nothing complicated here – a dude allegedly escapes from the policy by breaking into prison.

“It doesn’t happen every day, that’s for sure,” a Garfield Heights police spokesman said. “They’re not always this easy to catch.”

When asked for comment, the alleged perpetrator noted only the following:

I'm Smooth

Maybe this next one will be better. Oh no, it’s ten ways to murder a Peep?!?

A Peep is mashed into millions of pieces

So fifty years from now kids will turn to their parents, as the little boy turns to Moses in The Ten Commandments, asking what the heck this whole Passover deal is, and you’ll say it’s the annual reminder of when the Lord God spared the little marshmallow birds of the faithful from being turned into millions of gooey pieces. I don’t know if I should pat you on the back, or kick you in the hinder. I’ll do both, just to be safe. This should only hurt a little.

And then there’s this: A school play adaptation of “Scarface,” complete with hookers, big hair, giant guns and gratuitous use of the F-word (ok, they use “fudge,” but still). This must be a crime against someone or other, especially if they go ahead with their planned adaptation of the works of David Mamet.

Stay smooth, Easter criminals.

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