“The Creeping Horak” is reputedly the worst punishment of ancient times but mostly sounds like a middle manager who needs to be reported to HR.
Oh, hello, most timely recapping project I’ve ever done!
Mattel Television and Netflix released the first look “Masters of the Universe: Revelation,” and it turns out the characters — including He-Man, Skeletor, Teela and Orko — look a lot like they did on the beloved 1980s animated series “He-Man and the Masters of the Universe,” just a bit glowed up.
Apparently this was announced in 2019, but this is the first I’m hearing about it, because I don’t get out much. They’re even bringing back Alan Oppenheimer to do a voice, though Mark Hamill is already on board to be Skeletor so Alan is going to do Moss Man instead.
I don’t know if a rebooted He-Man will be good or not, but if it brings in the pageviews, I am all for it!
Finally my Gobstopper will be everlasting!
The Curse of the Spellstone
Let’s face it, friends: despite its majestic, ethereal name, Eternia is a creepy planet. There are lasers that turn people to stone and freaky rock formations that come to life. Dragons are the normal monsters by Eternian standards, and if all that isn’t weird enough, there’s Ram Man. So it may not be a surprise that today’s episode begins in a golden temple surrounded by lava. And it’s even less surprising that Skeletor is there, stealing something called the Spellstone. “It better be worth all this trouble, Evil-Lyn!” Skeletor is snickering right out of the gate this time. In a refreshing example of show-don’t-tell, Evil-Lyn grabs the glowing yellow ball and speaks an incantation that sends a tornado toward Palace Eternia.
The heroes are less surprised by the tornado than you’d think; at this exact moment, Man-at-Arms is testing a weather-controlling satellite with King Randor. “My machine couldn’t have made a storm like this,” Duncan tells the king, “but I know of something that could: the Spellstone!” He adds, “it must’ve fallen into the hands of someone evil,” which is a safe bet because that’s what’s happened in every episode so far. Nonetheless, the evil magic tornado is Prince Adam’s cue to transform into his buff alter ego, even if they don’t do a whole lot for a couple scenes.
Old man, you’re the worst Uber Eats driver yet
Well here’s an unusual sight: a crowd of Eternians! They had to flee their homes because the Spellstone storm set them on fire. Not that they’re helping Duncan and Teela put the fires out, they’re just sort of standing around. And Evil-Lyn is among them, disguised as an old crone; as she explains, “a voice in the crowd can do even more damage than this storm!” Sure enough, she starts rousing the rabble, saying Duncan and the king “angered the elders of Eternia” with their weather satellite and saying the community must “punish those who are responsible!” The crowd is mostly like “huh?” but she does convince some old guy to fetch “the Creeping Horak,” which is reputedly the worst punishment of ancient times but mostly sounds like a middle manager who needs to be reported to HR.
The pink serpent was not on the Google Map for this part of Eternia
He-Man has artfully dodged Eternia’s class struggle to go cruising in the Attack Track with Stratos, Ram Man and Cringer. They’re headed to the Region of Flame to find the Spellstone’s usual home: the temple of the Fire People, a community that “doesn’t like strangers.” They have to fend off a giant, hungry pink lava serpent – if you found this page by googling “how to fend off lava serpents,” electricity works every time – before entering the temple and finding that the Spellstone is gone. “Is this what you’re looking for?” snickers Skeletor “Robots… attack!” The flying robots swarm at He-Man, but by now we all know they’re really just there to keep the big guy busy so Skeletor can finish doing evil stuff.
Really more of a hustling Horak than a creeping one. This thing can move!
And the biggest part of the plot is getting underway: Evil-Lyn has led the Eternian mob to the walls of the palace, swearing vengeance on the king. While Teela tricks her into revealing her true form, Evil-Lyn has enough time to force her old guy to unleash the Creeping Horak. “Don’t use it!” he says. “It’s too terrible!” Then why did you fetch it, dude? It looks like a takeout box, but then a black blobby thing emerges and chases the royals down the corridors of the castle. “The Creeping Horak will grow until it completely fills the palace!” Evil-Lyn shouts, thrilled. Duncan leads everyone into a safe room and closes the security door. “We’re running out of rooms!” says the king, which is probably overstating it because Palace Eternia covers like half of the planet.
Things aren’t going any better at the temple of the FIre People. He-Man and crew took out Skeletor’s robots easily, but then they fall through a trapdoor into a cave.. Which starts filling with water. “I think our friends could use a nice swim!” Skeletor jokes, adding that there’s no way out. He-Man punches the walls of the cave, which doesn’t budge, but somehow realizes that the floor of the cave is hollow. “If you can’t find a trap door, you make one!” he says, using a giant boulder to make a crater for the water to flow into. And then somehow a door to the outside opens anyway. There’s even a staircase. Stratos: “Talk about fast service!”
Why do these guys remind me of the dudes that Zap Rowsdower fought in The Final Sacrifice?
The thing is, the staircase leads directly to Helios, King of the Fire People, and he thinks He-Man stole the Spellstone. Nope, says the big guy: “We’re on your side! We want to find it and return it.” “Liar!” Helios says, and the Fire People attack. There’s even a fiery feline to tangle with Battle Cat! Why He-Man doesn’t just say “Skeletor has it,” I don’t know. The He-Man posse is pulling its punches, because they don’t want to fight, but the big pink serpent returns and it does; it grabs Helios, who is only not turned into serpent snacks because He-Man chucks a boulder into its mouth. Helios falls into He-Man’s arms and all is forgiven. “You wouldn’t have saved me if you were evil,” he says. “Go in peace, and may you find the Spellstone.”
The royals are sure looking for some of that peace as they flee the Creeping Horak, which is still spreading through the palace. Man-at-Arms takes everyone to a special panic room in the back of the castle. “I built this hydraulic door to withstand anything,” he tells them. “It’s our last chance.” Horak doesn’t get in, but it’s knocking on the door, so to speak.
He-Man, The Most Confused Bowler In The Universe
Skeletor arrives at the palace and starts bickering with the locals. He-Man is right on his heels, which causes Evil-Lyn to get sassy with her boss. “You blundering skull face!” she thunders. “You said you’d taken care of him!” Evil-Lyn tries to send another tornado against the good guys, but the peasants grab the Spellstone away from her. “A person doesn’t need super powers to be a hero,” explains He-Man. “All he needs is bravery. You forgot that, Skeletor.” “You haven’t won, He-Man!” Skeletor replies. Why? Because the Spellstone is the only thing that can call off the Creeping Horak, and he commands it to go back to the temple. He-Man has to run at super speed to catch it, and then he chucks it at the palace to stop the giant blob from eating the castle and all in it. “Now’s our chance to escape,” Skeletor whispers to his minions.
Orko just did him some talking to the sun, and he said he didn’t like the way it got things done
Everyone is safe again, though those peasants still have no homes and I don’t see anybody racing at super speed to help them. Prince Adam tells Teela the storms are gone and the birds are singing. “The only thing missing,” she says, “is a rainbow.” Which Orko tries to conjure up – only it turns into a cloud and rains on him. Welp.
For today’s lesson, Duncan is dunking on Orko for his magic backfiring. “The same thing is true of practical jokes… it might not go the way you planned and someone could wind up losing a finger, or an arm or maybe even an eye. And no joke is worth that.” Man-at-Arms is one of those anxious dads who warns you when you’re reading books that you might strain your eyes or get a paper cut.
Can’t they just shoot that thing out an airlock like Sigourney Weaver would?
This one was lots of fun but overly busy, and the result was that we didn’t really get to delve into any of the cool stuff that was happening. Like the Fire People; they were an interesting new part of the show’s universe, but they were really only in one scene. And why was it up to the peasants to save the day? The heroes sure didn’t come through for them!
In our world, cats ride on robot vacuums, but things are different on Eternia
- Orko botches the old “which hand is the marble in?” trick in one of the opening scenes. The fascinating thing about Orko’s magic is that it almost never works when he’s performing, but against Skeletor he comes through.
- Skeletor: “Soon all of Eternia will be devastated, and I will reign supreme!” So he wants to rule over a wasteland?
- Battle Cat gets excited when he sees one of the robots. “Just what I love, a great big toy!” The robot literally shakes so hard it breaks in two.
- The peasant reaction to Evil-Lyn, quoted in full: “Oh!” “Ah!”
- Battle Cat drops some science: “There’s a big difference between a cat and a robot – a cat lands on his feet!”