a piece of toast on a plate

“If only the toast could talk!”

That’s a phrase you wouldn’t expect to hear from a well-known British auctioneer, unless he was doing a guest spot on Law and Order and the prosecutor had just revealed that he was stark raving mad AND proved that he was the person who broke into the headquarters of the international charity and killed the glamorous, tempestuous CEO, not the eloquent and high-profile refugee with whom she’d been having an affair. (I should really flesh this out and send it to Dick Wolf.) And yet, there it is, auctioneer Charles Hanson, “a regular on BBC1’s Bargain Hunt,” wondering about talking toast. AND THAT SPLENDA PACKET WON’T STOP TEXTING DURING BRUNCH!

Ok, to be fair, Mr. Hanson isn’t actually suggesting the toast can talk; he’s simply musing about its role more than 30 years ago at Prince Charles’ wedding.

The slice in question is a remnant from the breakfast served to Prince Charles on the day he married Lady Diana Spencer at St Paul’s Cathedral on 29 July 1981… the Prince may have opted to spare his appetite with lighter fare in the knowledge that after their marriage he and Princess Diana were due to tuck into a full wedding breakfast with 120 guests.

Let’s just note that the auction item in question is the piece of toast Charles didn’t eat. Now even though this is a man who apparently eats breakfast just before going to breakfast, I think we can safely assume that most of the world’s toast has not been eaten by Prince Charles. I had toast a couple days ago; should I have left a piece out and put that up for auction too?

Don’t misunderstand me, I have nothing but respect for this piece of toast – for 30 year old toast, it looks pretty impressive. That’s the angle worth playing up at auction, not that Prince Charles didn’t eat it. Either that, or pretty much every food item ever produced should go up for auction immediately. For example:


“If only the Funyuns could talk!”