Cake says 'We are the champion'

It boils down to this: love cake and you may be a genius. At least that’s how it appears to the awards committee at the MacArthur Foundation.

“We could spend it all on cake,” joked theater director David Cromer, one of this year’s recipients. Cromer, known for staging American classics like “Our Town,” said he wasn’t ready to discuss what he may attempt with the grant’s support. But he has some non-cake ideas.

And everyone knows that “non-cake ideas” are usually terrible. Can they even really be considered ideas?

Also, genius only appears to be tied to cake; no other sweet treat seems to have the safe effect. Cookies, for example, don’t endow genius; they apparently turn you into a maniac:

Me, I like Jolly Ranchers. Which probably explains why I’m out of the running for genius grants. Though I am a perpetual contender for “Best Sour Apple Flavor Identifier, Northern New England Division.”