“When this guy at my college died I went into the newspaper office to see the obituary. They wouldn’t let me back there so I stole their coffeepot.”
I didn’t die, so don’t worry or anything. See, there was this guy at my college that died and he wrote his own obituary. All he did was talk about all the great stuff he did all the time. He didn’t put in there what a jerk he was. One time he went out to a bar and got really drunk and started dancing around on a table. The table fell over and he broke his arm and when his wife went to the hospital he said he broke his arm at football practice. Some people have no guts. So he recovered and we were walking to the parking lot one day and we walked past football practice and I tried to break his arm, but it didn’t work. He was too strong for me. He took steroids, I think. He was bald, so it fits.
I was going to have him write my obituary but he died and that was that. So I guess I have to write my own. There are guys at newspapers that write obituaries for people before they’re dead, so they don’t get surprised when somebody kicks off. When this guy at my college died I went into the newspaper office to see if they said if he was a jerk in the obituary. They wouldn’t let me back there so I stole their coffeepot. The joke was on them because they all fell asleep and the paper came out late. Score one for Max!
In my obituary I would start by being born, cause that’s important. Or maybe start by dying, because otherwise people might get confused. They’d go, “Why am I reading about this guy being born in the obituary page? That should be in birth notices” and they’d stop reading. They wouldn’t have the patience.
I wonder if I could get one of those flags. Some papers put those flags next to dead people who liked flags. Most flags are ugly, though. I wonder if I could get a flag with my picture on it and get it printed next to my obituary. You never know.
Or abbreviations. I don’t want any abbreviations in my obituary. No contractions or whatever they’re called. That’s my last request. And I want my name in big letters in the headline. The greatest professor in the world, mourned by a whole bunch of people.
I know, I’ll have my class do it. Here’s your assignment, write my obituary. What? Oh, this isn’t class. Ok then.