No intro required, just read the description of the crime:

Calvin Bernard Hill, 54, was arrested on a felony battery charge following an altercation in the back of a PT Cruiser being driven by a female acquaintance of the duo. According to a Greenwood City Police Department report, Hill stabbed the 41-year-old victim in the ribs after they left a party.

Interviewed at the hospital, the victim–whose name was redacted from the police report–said that “he and Mr. Hill got into a verbal altercation about who can have the most sex.”

In other words, the argument was over who was more smooth! Sorry to say, fellas, the right answer is neither one of you. Right, Nick?

I'm Smooth

Just one more note from this report before we go:

a “tussling match” ensued and he ended up being stabbed, recalled the victim, who was initially found bleeding profusely by a cop identified as “Captain Morgan.”

You don’t say.

Captain Morgan parties

I carry a badge.