Life changes fast.

Life changes in the instant.

You sit down to dinner and cheese bacon mushroom face as you know it ends.

This is what the front page of Incomprehensibly Translated News would look like if a distracted driver accidentally plowed into Mayor McCheese of McDonaldland. And then I would have to write a one-woman show for Vanessa Redgrave exploring the aftermath.

Don’t let this happen, people. Stop sending dirty pictures of yourselves to friends and/or ESPN personalities while in the car.

Luckily, today’s actual news is more to our liking:

The noodle escapes happy spleen biscuit purgatory