Let’s face it, your friends and loved ones have failed again, failed to bring you what you wanted most for Christmas. Sure, your old college roommate got you that nice Shelley Winters collectible plate, and Aunt Rosemary is always good for a Thermos of mulled cider and a thesis on the use of “negative space” in the movie “Dollman,” but Christmas just doesn’t feel like Christmas.
Well we have just the thing for you: gifts related to peeing! And, sad to say, there were a lot of them. Possibly the most disturbing one was the Jeff Goldblum urinal decals. While it may give you some measure of revenge to pee on a likeness of the man who brought you Ian Malcolm-as-“Cyberpunk Kramer” in the Jurassic Park movies, the fact is, you’re in a somewhat sensitive position and staring down at Jeff Goldblum’s face isn’t going to make you feel much better. Unless you’re Charles Bronson’s character in Death Wish.
Or why not take your pals out to a London pub and pee your way to video game success? I like that these games have “intuitive controls” and there’s a “possibility for multiplayer games” and “competition between customers” – in short, you can spend your work day in figurative pissing contests with colleagues, then go out to the bars and try actual pissing contests.
Finally, we can’t wrap up a year in peeing-related gifts without mentioning this:
Enough said, right? Right.