Everyone’s keeping an eye on cats right now, and that’s certainly wise. But I’ve discovered some shocking video evidence that birds may be conspiring against us while we’re distracted. Are cats and birds actually working together? That’s an incredibly dumb question, but it may be that we need to keep one eye on birds and one eye on cats, all the while watching the skies. In other words, go make an appointment with your eye doctor and then watch… stuff.
1. Metal Rooster
Metal Rooster embodies the existential dread of the male chicken. The only thing he has to live for is your succulence, and so he channels his aggression and despair into song. Metal Rooster’s life is not pretty. Neither is his music.
Metal Rooster is currently preparing to tour Scandinavia in support of his debut album, co-produced by Bob Rock. His publicist refuses to deny rumors that he bit the head off a live human before meeting with record company executives.
2. Jennifer Beals Seagull
At first glance this seagull appears much less nihilistic than Metal Rooster, though just as musical. Or is it? Add a pair of bird-sized leg warmers and I’d bet good money that this bird is the reincarnation of Jennifer “Flashdance” Beals!
Reincarnating oneself as Jennifer Beals is a tricky process, especially when you realize that Jennifer Beals is still alive. Then again, she does fly over beaches a lot these days, squawking and stealing stuff from your cooler.
3. Shoplifting Sam
Did someone say stealing? Sam the Seagull has been kicked out of every beachside 7-Eleven on the West Coast, yet still he comes back for more. He doesn’t even want the food, he just likes the thrill of the thing:
4. A Clockwork Bird
This is the scariest one by far: with nothing but a picture of a bird on a can, the bird freaking flips out and starts pecking until the can dies in agony. This could only have been caused by some sort of horrific bird reprogramming. Thank heaven Beethoven isn’t playing in the background!
Maybe Hitchcock was right, folks. Let’s be careful around birds from now on.