May means one wonderful thing- the start of softball season. (Actually, in New Hampshire, it means the second month of monsoons, but what’re you gonna do?) As a lifelong baseball fanatic and a guy who once won a Little League game with a 2-out, 2-run homer in the final inning (a moment that still stands out above every other highlight in my life, including meeting presidential candidates, innumerable travels, glowing reviews of my CD’s and my wedding day), the beginning of the season represents everything that’s good and right about life. Seriously. It’s that good.

It was only last year that I came out of retirement to brave the waters of competitive softball, and despite my initial nervousness at putting myself on the line, I was, well, amazing. In fact, when you look at the stats, it’s even more impressive. I had a prominent statistical analyst take my numbers from last year and average them out into a 162-game season. Then he compared them to a composite season of the “great” Ted Williams and his supposedly illustrious career. Here’s how it pans out:

Batting average: .586, with Williams hitting a measly .344. Not even close.

Hits: 230. Williams would’ve averaged 154, and that’s after you take out the two seasons where he only played a few games.

Doubles: 14. Ted’s average was 30.5, but to be fair, he was playing in Fenway Park. Anybody could hit a double at Fenway Park. It’s much harder to hit a double at the UNH Rec Field #4.

Triples: 14. Williams? Four. Four stinkin’ triples. How this guy got in the Hall of Fame on four triples a year is beyond me.

Home Runs: 41. Williams? 29.8. Nice goin’ there, “slugger.” Not even thirty homers a year!

RBI’s: 149. Lil Teddy only had 106, a full 33 RBI’s behind me. Good, but not great.

And finally, Total Bases: 837, compared to Ted’s embarrassing 282. Sheesh, Ted, you could’ve tried or something, pal.

I’m sure there’ll be some naysayers making all sorts of excuses for the “legendary” Williams, but let’s just face the facts. His day is long past, and we have a new king in town. So come out and see our team play. It’s something you can tell your kids, and your kids’ kids, about
someday. “I saw Brady play softball back in the day.”

See you on that field…