And you thought bird flu was a global epidemic in the making – holy hell, the world is being invaded by clones of David Hasselhoff!
The proof, of course, comes from a 2002 documentary film called “Hooked on a Feeling,”Ã‚? in which dozens of Hasselhoff clones are locked in a bitter civil war, running about the earth and using supernatural powers to wreak havoc on each other.
There’s very little I can add to this horrifying development, except to simply run down the events as listed in this film:
1) A video toaster montage shows a “Crocodile Hunter” Hasselhoff dancing up and down with a bear and a dog. The dog isn’t so much dancing as he is standing around and barking- he’s probably scared out of his wits.
2) The REAL David Hasselhoff- yes, the one from Baywatch (and not the one from Knight Rider- everyone knows that was a clone) – is at a wedding, dancing and singing like we all know he should. Life is right again. Except that…
3) First Nations Hasselhoff appears! He’s wearing a fuzzy fur coat, sledding down a mountain at the North Pole and inquiring about exciting new business opportunities in the Nunavut Territory. Real David gives First Nations David a glance, then gets so angry that one of his clones has escaped from the lab that he does a Jedi leap off the wedding cake and into the sky.
4) Crocodile Hunter David also seems disturbed about these developments- so much so that he’s having trouble keeping his balance. Several dogs are standing near a pond. Angels (or kids dressed like them) are flying overhead. Someone spiked that pond with acid.
5) Crocodile Hunter David can jump through time and space like Scott Bakula, and teleports to one of those PBS specials where they show Africans jumping and white people acting all impressed. C.H.D. is jumping too. He is becoming unhinged by the many other Hasselhoffs floating around.
6) Real David is back – only now he’s on a train, and he’s conjuring up video cubes to assess the situation. I heard Bono did this to explain the AIDS crisis to Jesse Helms, but his cubes probably weren’t that good because he’s not half the singer Real David is. Real David and C.H.D. speak via the cube and decide First Nations David is too dangerous to be free.
7) Egads! Flying Trenchcoat David is, um, flying! And wearing a trenchcoat, no less! He’s poised to attack Real David, but R.D. throws the cubes at F.T.D. while he teleports the heck outta there.
8) Ohmygod there’s ANOTHER one- this is Earnest, Cheerful, Enjoying His Cruise Through Denali National Park Even Though He Forgot His Jacket Hasselhoff, and it’s unclear whether he’ll side with Real David and Crocodile Hunter David, or whether he’ll sell his soul to Flying Trenchcoat David or what. He claims to be hooked on a feeling.
9) Flying Trenchcoat David is at it again. Real David’s cube attack has temporarily suspended his ability to fly, so he’s standing on the seat of a motorcycle while he looks for Real David. Soon, he’s back in the air, flying as well as the Puma Man- and, what’s worse, he’s found an accomplice, albeit one wearing a mask and bobbing up and down like a fishing lure. We’ll call him Squabula.
10) First Nations Hasselhoff appears, and he’s joined forces with Flying Trenchcoat David! Their evil plan appears to be to scare the bejeepers out of everybody by dancing. I can say firsthand, this is a very effective plan.
11) Real David isn’t going to take this lying down- he’s back at the wedding to psyche himself up for the big duke-a-roo, and to ask for more sherbet.
12) Crocodile Hunter David is ready for the fight, too! He’s got a spear and what looks like a pelican statue built by a middle schooler in shop class. Now that’s power! Crikey!
13) BUT OH NO LOOK OUT CROCODILE DAVID, FLYING DAVID IS RIGHT BEHIND YOU! F.T.D. sneaks up behind C.H.D.and lays the smacketh down. One snap of the neck later, and what’s left of Crocodile Hunter David is of interest only to CSI.
14) Fortunately, Crocodile Hunter David cloned himself before being murdered by Flying Trenchcoat David, so C.H.D. 2: Electric Boogaloo is ready to enter the fray, and by “enter the fray” I mean “stand in front of a blue screen while we see another clip of that PBS video.”
15) E.C.E.H.C.T.D.N.P.E.T.H.F.H.J.H. shows up to guest referee the explosive final battle.
16) Real David has channeled his inner Yngwie Malmsteen and is ready to unleash the f’ing fury!
17) And justice is served! Flying Trenchcoat David gets his hands Krazy-glued to his motorcycle, and is sent flying around in a tizzy.
18) Real David then uses his teleport power to send First Nations David to the ski slopes of Turin, Italy, where he is run over by a drunken Bode Miller.
19) Each David clone goes on his way; Real David heads back to the wedding, Crocodile Hunter David #2 hires a grief counselor (actually, an elephant) to mourn the loss of the original Crocodile Hunter David, while Flying Trenchcoat David sort of hovers around in a confused way and First Nations David grabs a fish from thin air and gnaws on it. Squabula continues to bob around the bottom of the screen for no known reason.
There was a great deal of controversy following the release of this film ÃƒÂ¢Ã¢â€šÂ¬Ã¢â‚¬Å“ a number of countries blamed the White House for failing to adequately fund the international effort to prevent cloning of David Hasselhoff. The White House and their allies insisted that everything was under control, and that Hasselhoff cloning could never be transmitted from human to human, but- well, you see here what happened. Highly recommended for anyone who wants to be prepared.