As I write this I am on the cusp of 3000 tweets, which we all know is a landmark milestone in any career. Technically, it’s a landmark milestone in any baseball career, and then only when it refers to hits. But anyone who follows this gem of a Twitter stream would agree there are plenty of hits. And plenty of misses. Whew, man, have there been some misses. There was this one time where I tried to tell an old joke about dinner plates ending up in the first chair of the Philharmonic, and then I had to do like 48 tweets to explain the joke, which I didn’t quite get myself, and also I think I was telling it wrong.
The 25 tweets we’ve compiled here, however, are anything but wrong. In fact, if these tweets are wrong, I don’t want to be right. Here’s what else I don’t want to be: telling that Philharmonic plate joke again. I’m starting to think that wasn’t actually an old joke but a byproduct of watching QVC dressed as Itzhak Perlman.
1) There’s something living in the walls of my house. My guess is either a basilisk, like in Harry Potter, or a Bee Gee, like in my dreams – May 3, 2011
2) The name we picked for our kid is super-versatile, except in one way: there aren’t many blaxploitation movie characters named Owen. – May 17, 2011
3) I sure hope Dr. Joyce Brothers has a sibling named Mario – May 30, 2011
4) on my wife’s 1st post-baby work day I wanted to show her the household was in good hands. So I tried to give myself a haircut with no mirror – June 6, 2011
5) I thought of publishing a book of my letters once, but writing letters is so conventional. I’m gonna write numbers instead. – June 7, 2011
6) Whenever I go to a library I tell them I’m Dewey, of Decimal System fame. I’ve been banned from a lot of libraries. – June 21, 2011
7) I want to find four Scandanavians living in Grand Rapids and have them form a punk band called Gerald Fjord – July 5, 2011
8) Every worker should have to defend his/her job title, like in pro wrestling. “The winner, and NEW Senior Account Manager,” etc – July 8, 2011
9) Saw a “Matchbox Twenty is Your Friend” shirt at #marketdays. Actually I’d describe my relationship with them as “it’s complicated” – July 15, 2011
10) Hearty Nut. Yes, that’s the bread that best represents my personality. – August 11, 2011
11) Saw a mailman giving treats to a pup today. If USPS really is going down, at least they’re finally finding closure with America’s dogs. – August 20, 2011
12) I’d like to bring together the various state butter queens for some kind of summit – August 22, 2011
13) I stopped freestyling and put up a paywall. I’m now subscription-only-styling. – October 13, 2011
14) I wish Patrick Swayze had made a movie where he & the cast of Sesame Street save America from a Communist invasion, called “Prairie Dawn” – February 9, 2012
15) Main difference between me and David Lee Roth: I live my life like there’s no next Thursday. – February 20, 2012
16) I once knew a hardworking binary math professor who used to burn the candle at ten ends. – February 22, 2012
17) Can you imagine how long a prog rock song must feel to a dog? – March 8, 2012
18) said in conversation, by me: “what if Redd Foxx did scrimshaw?” – April 12, 2012
19) Vampire NBC News presents Twilight: Brokaw Dawn. Who’s with me? – May 11, 2012
20) I bet Barry White’s favorite recipe instruction was “cover and chill” – May 19, 2012
21) I can’t believe my special transit of Venus glasses turned out to be “They Live” glasses. I now know which neighbors are secret aliens. – June 5, 2012
22) I was going to post that I’m a serial under-sharer on Facebook and Twitter but that would be over sharing. – June 7, 2012
23) If I was a carpenter, and you were a lady, oh man how my back and arms would hurt from all the carpentry. – June 10, 2012
24) A dozen seniors walking toward my house in one direction; a dozen middle schoolers going toward my house from the other direction. Rumble? – June 14, 2012
25) Idea for my book: Under my name, it’ll say “not a New York Times bestselling author” and when it goes big, booksellers can cross “not” out. – July 19, 2012
