Go on. Tell me this isn’t the photo you’ve been waiting for all your life:

According to the Jamaica Gleaner, which appears to be a newspaper and not a mixed drink, Fred “The Hammer” Williamson is going to play a Jamaican-American cop named Henry Kissinger, with Gloria Hendry along for the wild ride. This appears to have been in the works for some time; they were waiting on further funding from Jamaican film investors, which is yet another sentence I didn’t ever expect to write here.

Anyway, the man who lit up the screen as Black Caesar deserves better than to wait for film investors of any nationality, so I’ve cooked up some future film ideas for The Hammer. I can look for funding for these now, and when Black Kissinger is done Fred can start filming straight away. That way there’s no waiting!

Black Stossel – John Stossel (no relation) is a cop working the media beat out of Washington D.C., who just wants a break from the stupidity of modern life! But he’ll get no breaks from a hard-drinking tycoon who’s trying to put an additive into D.C.’s water supply that poisons investigative journalists. Black Stossel’s out to get the truth – and when he gets to the tycoon, he’ll make sure the truth hurts.

Black Rumsfeld – Donald Rumsfeld (no relation) is an ex-Chicago cop who knows the streets better than your GPS system. When some meth-addled thugs try to take over the neighborhood, Rumsfeld and his elderly neighbors find themselves in the middle of a turf war with no time for escape – and that means Black Rumsfeld is going to war with the army he has, not the one he wants.

BlackTop – Carrot Top (no relation) is an undercover cop on the prop comedy scene in Boca Raton, Florida who knows that drug-dealing gangs are no laughing matter. So when some street toughs start pushing the neighborhood around, it’s time for BlackTop to make sure the joke… is on them.

Investments welcome anytime, folks. Step right up, form a line, please no cash.