Brady, why don’t people like me???

-Zach in Wisconsin

It’s not as bad as you think, man – most of your detractors only officially dislike you because of your long-running feud with the California Raisins. Yeah, I know they started it, but look at how it ended up: Wisconsin is mostly in ruins, and most of its territory is controlled by raisin warlords (although I’m pretty sure a pear runs Green Bay). The people hold you responsible, mostly because raisin-controlled media tells them this (though, admittedly, eating a handful of the raisins when they insulted your family did not help). Things are so bad that Bob Geldof is working on a charity single about Wisconsin. (“There is no cheese in Milwaukee this Christmas”)

There’s still hope, though. If there’s a way to start some back-channel diplomacy with raisins – maybe arrange a Motown-themed ping-pong tournament? – things can start to cool off and people will be right back on your side.

– Brady