The key lines from the past week:

“I take a long poll (sic) and smash the nest but by goll they’re still alive. So again I run but my with my Scottish ancestry I stop to turn out the light and man, one got me under the eye. Those honey bees sure sting!” – Canadian blazer model Don Cherry, showing his mastery of human-bee relations is even more palpable than his hockey knowledge and his sense of style put together and multiplied by a trillion. Sadly he did not tweet “AAAAAAGH NOT THE BEES” the way Nicolas Cage would’ve. [NESN]

“‘Everybody, they’re all, ‘Hey, goat boy!’ I’m like, ‘Hey, guys.’ People are just like, ‘Why are you scared of goats?” he asked. ‘I’m like that was a freaky goat. I think it’s like possessed or something.” – Smithfield, Utah paperboy Jason Gessel, who was all “I’m gonna deliver these papers” until a goat named Voldemort – seriously, Voldemort – was all like “Imma chase you up a tree and make you stay up there for an hour until people start being all ‘Hey, goat boy!’ when they see you.” [DailyMail]

“Roy Mars was peeing in his compost last weekend — it adds nitrogen — when he looked up and saw something streak across the sky.” – reporter Mark Schultz, not exactly burnishing the credibility of a man who claimed to see a UFO over Carrboro, North Carolina. [News & Observer]