I’ve just finished watching “Troll” and I fear for my sanity. Seriously, I’ve had hallucinations that make more sense. There’s very little I can impart to you, dear reader, about this bulbous mutant of a motion picture, but I will do my best. Just promise that if I keel over, eyes rolling, mouth foaming, that you’ll start screening an appropriate antidote- say, “Mr. Belvedere: The Complete First Season.”

So Michael Moriarty, the original prosecutor on “Law and Order” and the protagonist of “The Stuff,” plays a book critic called Harry Potter, of all things. Harry, his wife Hermione- er, I mean, Anne, and their kids- Harry Jr. and Wendy- move into a new apartment in San Francisco, according to the background matte paintings. As Frisco apartment buildings go, it has a troll living in the basement, and it immediately kidnaps Wendy and starts impersonating her to get his evil scheme underway.

The troll does a pretty good Wendy, but freaks out when they get takeout from Rat Burger. Evil Wendy Clone Troll pulls the building’s fire alarm and runs out, which gives the screenwriters an excuse to bring out the rest of the cast. Wendy knocks over Sonny Bono, who plays the swinger upstairs. Then Harry Potter trips over Sonny Bono, talks with Elaine Benes (Julia Louis-Dreyfus, duh) and gets yelled at by Timmy’s mom (June Lockhart). The fire alarm goes off and they all go back to their apartments. This is the best scene in the movie.

Harry Jr. (Noah Hathaway), a sci-fi fan and a dullard (but, then, I repeat myself!), is the only one who thinks there’s something odd about Wendy- especially how she goes up to Sonny Bono’s apartment and turns him into an asparagus. He starts hanging out with Timmy’s mom, and she thankfully reveals she’s a witch before we can infer any Mrs. Robinson-style shenanigans. Unfortunately, this also gives her a chance to explain the plot, that her ex-husband is an evil troll-fairy who wants to turn the apartment building into a separate universe, and that he can do so through the weird gardening. Harry Jr. swallows this nonsense whole, and they both pick up laser swords, march into the troll-fairy forest and prepare to do battle. Timmy’s mom transforms into her own daughter (Anne Lockhart), but even so, she immediately gets turned into a tree stump by the trolls, thereby failing at the only thing in the world she’s supposed to do. Harry Jr. finds the real Wendy, but he stinks at fighting too, and the universe is saved only because the lead troll, the Wendy clone, decides to stop building his universe and let everyone go. Why? Who knows. Maybe he thought that if the villains won the director would make a sequel. At any rate, it ends when the cops come, Timmy’s mom’s tree stump of daughter becomes human again, and the Potters leave the building to go fight Voldemort, or something.

But wait- the producers double-cross the troll by tossing one of the policemen into the troll forest, ensuring that there will be a sequel after all! But that review will have to wait until I’m stronger- or at least until “Mr. Belvedere: The Complete Second Season” comes out on DVD.

“I’d rather watch Star Trek.” – Harry Jr.

“Honey, did you do a lot of drugs before we met?” – Harry Sr.

“RAT BURGER!!!” – Wendy

“What’s going on out there?” – Anne
“I don’t know, but I’m listening to that tree.” – Harry Sr.